I almost peed myself laughing and it wasn't a desire to give anyone "golden showers" (ick). (If you want to check out the inanity of the "interview" CLICK HERE )
The story opens with Dawn in her bubble-headed glory talking about a "naughty novel." A "romance novel." Let's be real, it's soft porn. If that is your cup of tea it doesn't affect my world any, just be honest about what is titillating you: a soft porn novel with a bondage bent. It used to be recreational shopping and botox kept these babes happy, but apparently they all have visits to the Pink Pussycat in New York City in their future. (Does Gucci make handcuffs, I wonder?)
And then there were the women - when it was first aired on TV they gave the women's home towns. I seem to recall one from Horsham or something and was wondering when that became part of the Main Line?
But these women? What are they such Desperate Doras that they need to go on air about 50 Shades of Gray by E.L. James? Sex is hardly a taboo subject, but to take that out in public and call themselves Main Liners? Get real. It's ticky tack and some botox babes need to get a lil' something something. But then again their hubbies are probably exhausted from having to earn all the do-ray-me to keep their AMEX bills paid, and we wouldn't want a fresh emotion to run across our shiny peeled faces in all our botoxed glory lest we get a WRINKLE.
Yes, I took a gander at the book and you know what it is? A soft porn bondage version of a Harlequin Romance. It's not literature. It's not even ground-breaking. They all act like nipple clamps had never existed before this book and that cracks me up. What also cracks me up is that they would be all freaky if they discovered their kids looking at porn sites on the Internet or TV.
Far be it from me to judge what rocks the worlds of other women in the bedroom, but sorry, I really don't need to know on local news that a bunch of desperate housewives are turned on by soft porn. What's next? Progressive Swinging Parties?
Net Nanny Blog refers to this as "Mommy Porn." GuruMommy says:
And, since when is the phrase “everyone in Armonk” an endorsement for anything, except perhaps… Armonk?
So, naturally, after leaving the diner, I downloaded the book on my Kindle and began having virtual sex in under a minute.
(That’s an exaggeration because it doesn’t really get good until 20 percent in. But after that, the sex doesn’t stop. Sorry about the ridiculous Kindle math — I have no idea what this equals in real-time pages.)
Is the book cheesy and awful? Yes...Yes. In order to get to the good stuff, you will have to sit through a British author who sometimes forgets her characters are American (“marquee,” by the way, means “tent”) and who likes her adjectives in triplicate, since the author couldn’t trust us (or herself) to think we could picture the image with only one descriptor. Therefore, Grey’s personal office is “palatial, swanky, sterile,” while the rest of the office space is “cold, clean AND clinical.” (Now that I’ve pointed this out, it’s going to drive you crazy.) And I’ve never read about a character that moves his features quite so much. In one scene alone, Grey’s mouth “quirks up,” “his lips curl in a wry smile,” and “a ghost of a smile touches his lips.” His grey eyes “alight with curiosity” or turn “dark” and “distant” within seconds.
As one would expect from a good romp, there’s a lot of overtly suggestive writing to laugh at. I mean, this guy “cocks his head” five times in the first few scenes of the book. Gee, I wonder what that means?
Ha ha ha ha. So now that I saw all the good botoxed ladies of the "Main Line" getting all hot and bothered on the local news about this drivel, I was curious about ringleader housewife and oy vey, she's special.
Meet Hollee Actman Becker. She spawned, she married, she lives on the Main Line, likes to shop, likes to drink apparently...and oh yes the world revolves around her. She blogs at Suburbabble: Get In Losers. We're Going to the Suburbs.
Here's her post on her 15 seconds of fame about 50 shades of soft porn:
In case you missed me on NBC 10 last night talking Fifty Shades, here’s a quick recap:
Drinking wine.....There may also have been a discussion about erotica in the middle of there somewhere.
And did I mention that we filmed this at 10:30?
In the morning?
I’m thinking maybe Book Four should be called Fifty Shades Smashed.
If that isn't enough, the lovely "lady" tweets too:
OHMYGODSHEISFABULOUS! (Just ask her, she'll tell you)
She blogged and blogged and blogged about this 50 shades thing - it cracks me up. I am sure someday we will hear about a sex tape scandal. But hey, she's "just your average writer/main line mom obsessed with botox, fifty shades, regina george and the real housewives."
Andy Cohen, if you are out there? Please airlift this woman away as she is trying realllly realllly hard to get you attention....and everyone else's for that matter.
Apparently this media darling resides in Gladwyne (you know where all the hot nouveau go to roost and have starter McMansions.)
I don't get why purported Main Line women want to act all Jersey....but I see a feature in Philadelphia Magazine in her future....and she'd better go easy on her wine references even if she is from Gladwine (or is that Gladwhine?) lest some of the carpoolers gang up on her - those mini-van moms can be vicious, after all....and when they gang up and beat you with their Birkins and their Burch bags there is always drama.....
And speaking of Main Line (as in NOT) check out MainLineBitch and MainLineSloppy and MainLineGirlProblems on Twitter. Good examples of how never to behave.
Sorry, but what wants to pass as Main Line cracks me up. They still do not get that it's not just about a zip code. Stay Classy, Main Line, stay classy.