I almost peed myself laughing and it wasn't a desire to give anyone "golden showers" (ick). (If you want to check out the inanity of the "interview" CLICK HERE )
The story opens with Dawn in her bubble-headed glory talking about a "naughty novel." A "romance novel." Let's be real, it's soft porn. If that is your cup of tea it doesn't affect my world any, just be honest about what is titillating you: a soft porn novel with a bondage bent. It used to be recreational shopping and botox kept these babes happy, but apparently they all have visits to the Pink Pussycat in New York City in their future. (Does Gucci make handcuffs, I wonder?)
And then there were the women - when it was first aired on TV they gave the women's home towns. I seem to recall one from Horsham or something and was wondering when that became part of the Main Line?
But these women? What are they such Desperate Doras that they need to go on air about 50 Shades of Gray by E.L. James? Sex is hardly a taboo subject, but to take that out in public and call themselves Main Liners? Get real. It's ticky tack and some botox babes need to get a lil' something something. But then again their hubbies are probably exhausted from having to earn all the do-ray-me to keep their AMEX bills paid, and we wouldn't want a fresh emotion to run across our shiny peeled faces in all our botoxed glory lest we get a WRINKLE.
Yes, I took a gander at the book and you know what it is? A soft porn bondage version of a Harlequin Romance. It's not literature. It's not even ground-breaking. They all act like nipple clamps had never existed before this book and that cracks me up. What also cracks me up is that they would be all freaky if they discovered their kids looking at porn sites on the Internet or TV.
Far be it from me to judge what rocks the worlds of other women in the bedroom, but sorry, I really don't need to know on local news that a bunch of desperate housewives are turned on by soft porn. What's next? Progressive Swinging Parties?
Net Nanny Blog refers to this as "Mommy Porn." GuruMommy says:
And, since when is the phrase “everyone in Armonk” an endorsement for anything, except perhaps… Armonk?
So, naturally, after leaving the diner, I downloaded the book on my Kindle and began having virtual sex in under a minute.
(That’s an exaggeration because it doesn’t really get good until 20 percent in. But after that, the sex doesn’t stop. Sorry about the ridiculous Kindle math — I have no idea what this equals in real-time pages.)
Is the book cheesy and awful? Yes...Yes. In order to get to the good stuff, you will have to sit through a British author who sometimes forgets her characters are American (“marquee,” by the way, means “tent”) and who likes her adjectives in triplicate, since the author couldn’t trust us (or herself) to think we could picture the image with only one descriptor. Therefore, Grey’s personal office is “palatial, swanky, sterile,” while the rest of the office space is “cold, clean AND clinical.” (Now that I’ve pointed this out, it’s going to drive you crazy.) And I’ve never read about a character that moves his features quite so much. In one scene alone, Grey’s mouth “quirks up,” “his lips curl in a wry smile,” and “a ghost of a smile touches his lips.” His grey eyes “alight with curiosity” or turn “dark” and “distant” within seconds.
As one would expect from a good romp, there’s a lot of overtly suggestive writing to laugh at. I mean, this guy “cocks his head” five times in the first few scenes of the book. Gee, I wonder what that means?
Ha ha ha ha. So now that I saw all the good botoxed ladies of the "Main Line" getting all hot and bothered on the local news about this drivel, I was curious about ringleader housewife and oy vey, she's special.
Meet Hollee Actman Becker. She spawned, she married, she lives on the Main Line, likes to shop, likes to drink apparently...and oh yes the world revolves around her. She blogs at Suburbabble: Get In Losers. We're Going to the Suburbs.
Here's her post on her 15 seconds of fame about 50 shades of soft porn:
In case you missed me on NBC 10 last night talking Fifty Shades, here’s a quick recap:
Holding wine.
Opening wine.
Pouring wine.
Drinking wine.....There may also have been a discussion about erotica in the middle of there somewhere.
And did I mention that we filmed this at 10:30?
In the morning?
I’m thinking maybe Book Four should be called Fifty Shades Smashed.
If that isn't enough, the lovely "lady" tweets too:
OHMYGODSHEISFABULOUS! (Just ask her, she'll tell you)
She blogged and blogged and blogged about this 50 shades thing - it cracks me up. I am sure someday we will hear about a sex tape scandal. But hey, she's "just your average writer/main line mom obsessed with botox, fifty shades, regina george and the real housewives."
Andy Cohen, if you are out there? Please airlift this woman away as she is trying realllly realllly hard to get you attention....and everyone else's for that matter.
Apparently this media darling resides in Gladwyne (you know where all the hot nouveau go to roost and have starter McMansions.)
I don't get why purported Main Line women want to act all Jersey....but I see a feature in Philadelphia Magazine in her future....and she'd better go easy on her wine references even if she is from Gladwine (or is that Gladwhine?) lest some of the carpoolers gang up on her - those mini-van moms can be vicious, after all....and when they gang up and beat you with their Birkins and their Burch bags there is always drama.....
And speaking of Main Line (as in NOT) check out MainLineBitch and MainLineSloppy and MainLineGirlProblems on Twitter. Good examples of how never to behave.
Sorry, but what wants to pass as Main Line cracks me up. They still do not get that it's not just about a zip code. Stay Classy, Main Line, stay classy.
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8 comments:
Yowza, girl! I'm relieved that I'm not on your shit list because, daym, you sure know how to dish it. But I get it. I instinctively started comparing myself to these women, since I'm just another one of those blogger housewives that likes to drink, has minimal plastic lol (but no botox, thank you very much) and writes mostly about myself. It's interesting to hear your perspective, since I'm relatively new to this side of the country, which feel like living on Mars most of the time. Not a bad Mars, just different. Funny, too, because I just blogged about 50 Shades myself. What bothers me about these bloggers most is that they seem so contrived, so gimmicky, so over the top. I don't know if I'm any different but, I write from within -- not what I think is going to sell books, or reality TV, or what I think is hip or controversial...did I really just say hip? Sure, I'm offensive, but at least it's genuine lol? I'm rambling but just wanted to chime in that it's been eye opening reading about your perspectives. xoxo
Tasha,
You are not them...thank goodness. They are contrived. We won't always agree, but like you, I write about what I am thinking about - I told someone long ago I write for my own pleasure. Period.
Thanks for stopping by again :<}
Took me three months to find this -- probably because I'm so self-absorbed and have been just way busy shopping. It's, like, SO exhausting being the ringleader housewife, you know!
Plus I still haven't been able to unearth the Gucci handcuffs, so it looks like I'm going to have to whip out the trusty ol' Amex and pop over to the Florence flagship. Wheels up on Wednesday!
It's all good though because I do need to pick up a slutty new outfit for the next suburban swingers party. If you ever decide to man up and remove your mask of anonymity, I'd be happy to forward you an invite.
Although on second thought, wearing a mask is SO Fifty Shades. I may just have to pick one up. Note to self: Find out if Donatella is doing masks this season.
Anyway, just wanted to stop by and thank you for the shout-out. I may be contrived, but I certainly appreciate good snark from time to time. Especially when it's mean-spirited and totally off the mark. I mean... everyone knows Tory Burch bags are only acceptable on the beach. And mini vans on the Main Line? As IF!
Also, while there's definitely not a Philly Mag profile in my future, I did once work there as the on-staff Lifestyle Editor so I'll give you partial credit. And if you ever do find a way to get Andy Cohen to airlift me out of here, I promise I'll invite you over to my McMansion and, like, totes be your bestie.
#NOT
Gotta run now... already late for my botox appointment!
Because OHMYGODI'MSOFABULOUS!
(Just ask me, I'll tell you)
XOXO!!!
Ahh should we presume the latest comment comes from Hollee Actman Becker? Sounds like it. Dear girl, I am allergic to McMansions and self-absorbed women like you. Sending you big juicy kisses
Well, duh!
And allow me to apologize because I didn't realize it was an actual medical situation we were dealing with here.
According to wikipedia, "allergic reactions occur when a person's immune system reacts to normally harmless substances in the environment."
And while I find the phrase "normally harmless" almost a little insulting, the fact that you are so fired up does leave me a tad worried about the state of your immune system.
Isn't that, like, SO un-self-absorbed of me?
Perhaps I can help remedy the situation by whipping you up a very special Benadryl cocktail?
I mean... you trust me, don't you?
And BT-Dubs.
Big juicy kisses are for frat boys bombed on grain alcohol. And, like, untrained dogs.
But I please know I am sending my most insincere double air-kiss your way.
Ciao, dahling!
And I'm not just saying ciao to sound like a pretentious bitch.
Oh wait. Yes I am.
#STOPTHEINANITY
holleennyc,
I guess you just enjoy being bitchy for the recreational sport of it all and I can appreciate it. But seriously? The one-upsmanship of it all?
Sweetie there is to the manor born and what you are: you moved into the manor. Very different.
And I was blogging back when you were still playing with gel nails.
It's a big blogosphere and I get when you comment on mine people may check yours out.
And yes, I am allergic to women like you. It is a serious medical condition experienced by a lot of us who were here first.
But whatever keeps your implants up each day is a good thing.
Oh honey.
You think you know, but your have no idea.
So maybe get your facts straight next time before you go opening up that big old wrinkly mouth of yours, mmkay?
For starters... Implants? Oh HAIL no! My tits are au natural, baby! They're FLAT and they're SPECTACULAR. You heard me. Team freaking A-Cup!
Also... gel nails? Ooooh burn! 1987 called and they want their insult back. Although I did once rock a killer set of Lee Press-Ons back in 8th grade. But really, can you blame me? They press on in seconds! No glue, no mess!
And wait. You really don't think I'm to the manner born? YOU?! The one who's stuck out there in Radnor with the sad old second-class shared driveway? Oh! Em! Gee! what gave it away?! Was it the NOKD stamped on my forehead? My lack of enthusiasm for lunching at Du Jour? My refusal to step even one Louboutin-clad foot inside that poor excuse for a department store you guys are trying to pass off as a Saks? See, we moved here from a small exotic island you've probably never heard of called Manhattan. Where the Saks has TEN floors. And where we, like, totally lived in the same zip code as Blair Waldorf! And yes I know Blair Waldorf is fictional but I'm beginning to think you and your "pedigree" are too so whatev.
Even so, I do hope you'll allow me to pause and worship at the temple of your awesomeness for a minute because I just realized that you started your blog waaaay back in July 07! How avant garde! I mean, I didn't start my blog until May 08. Which is, like, a whole eight months later! You are clearly far superior to me in every way so congrats on that, big shot.
And as for the notion that I am commenting on your blog in order to get people to check out mine... well, duh.com! But can you blame me? You have, like, 28 whole followers!
I also think it's really classy how you added that not-at-all tacky visitor counter to your blog. It's just so... nouveau. Although I must admit the 260,000 visits you've managed to accumulate over the last five years are WAY impressive. How did you EVER get to be so popular? I mean, you are like the Justin Bieber of the internet!
In fact, maybe you can find it in your heart to give a poor little upstart blogger some pointers one day, say, over a liquid lunch at White Dog?
Because while I may major in bitchy one-upmanship, I still only have around 35,000 visitors.
Oh wait.
That's 35,000 visits a MONTH.
Oops! My bad!
Sweetie there are manor blogs and what you are: a molehill. Very different.
Toodles! Time to go shopping for my slutty Ringleader Housewife costume now. I am SO going to rock Halloween 2012, yo!
I should probably thank you for the FABU idea.
But I don't want to.
Laters, baby!
This Holly wench comes off as a real tacky broad....the type that one encounters cutting the line at the farmers market 'cause she is so rushed and important,or blowing stop signs on Mill Creek rd or being rude to the cashier at Gladwyne Market. Anyone obsessed with the vapid crap on Bravo is clearly a half-wit and deserves naught but derision and scorn. You keep piling on Ms. Snark and we will keep laughing...and we'll see she is blackballed at Milldam or Merion when she slithers up to the committee.
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