FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Very Important Radnor Township Health Department Has Something To Say About Swine Flu and Bloviatitius
April 27, 2009
CONTACT: Porky Pig
WE ARE WORKING CLOSELY WITH STATE AND FEDERAL PARTNERS TO CONTAIN
IMPACT OF SWINE FLU: DAVE BASHORE TO BE QUARINTEENED AND RESTRICTED FROM WRITING ANY FURTHER SELF-AGGRANDIZING TOMES.
RADNOR,PA – The Very Important Health Department is working in conjunction with Commonwealth of Pennsylvania to contain the impact of an outbreak of swine flu in Mexico that resulted in the declaration of a national public health emergency in the United States. However, to date, all U.S. cases were “mild” with only one person requiring brief hospitalization. The County Health Department is working to educate the public and health care providers of recommended steps to prepare for potential cases of Swine influenza and Bloviatitius R1 across the area.
At this point we do not have any confirmed cases of swine influenza, but there are reported cases of serious bloviating in the local editorial pages.
We have notified Jerry Springer of a real need for an “on location” show in Radnor Township, and urge him to be watchful for patients with complaining-like delusions who may have been exposed to the new Dave Bashore letter and to immediately inform the Health Department of any suspected cases.
According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, swine influenza A/H1N1 is a new strain of influenza that has not previously been detected in swine or humans. The virus has also been confirmed in Canada and Mexico. It is still safe to eat pork and pork products, but advised to avoid governmental pork. It is however, also recommended that the population should avoid all further letters authored by Dave Bashore as they will induce serious fits of the “say whats” and giggles.
Swine influenza is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses. Outbreaks of swine flu happen regularly in pigs and overly self important government officials. Before the current outbreak, people rarely got swine flu, and usually only if they were in very close proximity to infected pigs and select government officials. However, during the current outbreak, the virus is able to spread from person-to-person. The Bloviating Strain is caused by an overly exaggerated sense of self-importance mingled with a delusional tendency to blame others for one’s actions as an adult.
There is no vaccine available at this time to combat the “Bashore Affect”, but the swine flu can be treated with certain antiviral drugs. Persons with swine flu are contagious for up to seven days or longer after the onset of illness, so it is important to take the following steps to prevent spreading the virus to others:
Stay home when you are sick to avoid spreading illness to others. Remove swine from office as often as needed until desired affect is achieved.
The CDC is asking that those individuals who have a recent history of delusions at local meetings, those who grow unnaturally upset by healthy airing of dirty political laundry, and those experience the inability to attend meetings to get a reality check.
For more information on Swine Influenza A/H1N1 and Bloviatitius R1 and to counteract The Bashore Affect, please refer to your local blog.
Ok, so it's the last April Fool's Joke for April...but then again, so is this letter:
Bashore: Letter ‘simply is not true’
I feel that I have to respond to the letter in last week’s edition from John Fisher, vice president of the Board of Commissioners, because it simply is not true. In his letter, Mr. Fisher claimed that I “was afforded the opportunity to explain [my] actions in private” and that the “board urged [me] to resign once the facts were clear” and that, “as an at-will employee, [I] was free to resign at any time and [I] did not, which in turn led us [the board] to the alternative provisions for a public process.”
In fact I was never given an opportunity to resign without conditions. The only “opportunity” I received to resign was in a March 4 letter from the township’s special counsel — a week and a half after the board president’s public humiliation of me and their subsequent trashing of me in the press. That letter said that I could resign immediately, pay to the township about $640,000, pay all of the township’s attorney’s fees, and then if there was any money the township owed me following my resignation, that would have to await the results of an independent forensic audit.
In other words, confess and we will allow you to commit professional and financial suicide in private. Don’t confess and your death will be slow, painful and public.