Thursday, October 11, 2007
I love my immediate neighbors, warts and all. I can say that honestly now since the tiny terror moved on and is torturing a whole new set of neighbors.
Yes. We have lost the neighbor from hell. Nothing like living near a post middle aged,post menopausal, twice divorced,tacky know it all screamer who was probably an alcoholic to boot. Yes, neighbor that moved was what defines neighbor from hell.
The neighbor from hell would spend long, LOUD hours on the phone. But no one would care except for the fact that she was so LOUD you could hear her conversations from across the street. Add to that paranoia: she would leave on the brightest, most obnoxious outside lights ALL NIGHT LONG. We all prayed at alternate moments for her to move....our prayers were answered....and to think she is in customer service.....
Neighbor from hell was friendly at moments with the rest of my immediate neighbors, whom I will call the menopausal posse.
The rest of the posse is sweet, even if they are clueless. My favorite is the one I will call fashion maven. She is a terrific lady, salt of the earth. Only one problem....she has THREE cars and she lives alone. One car, the wreck of ages, hasn't been registered in years. And there it sits,rusting. Like any good woman dealing with a clutter issue she has found a terrific adaptive reuse: the junker doubles as a storage locker.
Yep, it is loaded with shoes, dead purses and maybe an old boyfriend or two.
People have been not so subtle in asking fashion maven if she was starting a used car lot. But she doesn't get it...she's just too flakey...and NOW, now there is a third car.....it belongs to her kid....and then there is her work car....I get she has life drama, but I feel like I live next door to a high styling Sanford & Son.
Then there are the neighbors who do fun things like have furniture delivered in the middle of the night....don't worry, I saw the sofa sweetie, and I would have it delivered in the dark of night too.
Then we have Mrs. Sourpuss up the street. She is young, pretty, with a totally made for Kodak family. Yet she is the most sour, glass half empty woman. Don't ever disagree with her....oy vey...
Skip around the corner and we find Father Touchy Feely. Yep, what is a nice neighborhood without a pedophile former priest. I won't out him, the Inquirer already did ages ago. And the Catholic church booted his sorry ass and de-Priested him too....but due to the warped nature of the cosmos, he inherited and is probably a millionaire. I just have to believe it will all catch up with him...and my final comment on FTF is he should stop expecting people to call him father.
But what would the land of looney toons be without a woman to whom I will apply the good Indian Name of Mommy Wound Too Tight. She is an equal opportunity offender: she screams at her kids, her dogs, her husband, and whichever unfortunate human being comes across her path. The best thing about MWT2 is that she is also a voracious social climber obsessed with the Main Line. No that THAT is particularly unusual - women like her are a pathetic dime a dozen. Her undoing will be that she is unhinged.
But she's in good company as a few doors down is The Psycho Divorcee. Well she's not quite divorced yet because she is angry, crazy, medicated and self medicates (code word for drinks). This one is the real cream of the crop. She doesn't just yell as if she is possessed by the Devil, she curses like she has Tourette's syndrome. Her soon to be ex is a nice guy. He lives around the corner and just tries to survive.
My last one to discuss is Lead Foot Senior. Every accident is someone else's fault. She has a handicap tag for her junker. Her handicap is her lead foot. She also has what my grandmother would call an unfortunate personality. She is the reason the phrase "good fences make good neighbors" was thought up. 'Enuf said.
There are more, these are just the ones floating around in my brain. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it. But honestly, observing people is just so damn amusing.....like the wives of plastic surgeons and hi flying developers....but that is a tale for another day....